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A TURDUCKEN, believe it or not, is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. Images – you are warned, not for the faint-hearted – are here.

With that introduction, the following TURDUCKEN-based Lord Of The Rings satire should be self-explanatory:

TURDUUUUUCKEN preciousss my precious gollumgollumgollum cast it into the Ovens Of Doom where it was created NO the all-gorging stomach will gorge it samwise I cannot eat any more..but Mr. Frodo you must!

Meanwhile in the Wooded Realm…
Frodo offers the TURDUCKEN to Galadriel…aagh shall Middle Earth see a morbidly obese elf queen horrible in severe majesty gasp gasp I pass the test I will go into the west and remain size 8

Galadriel: Mordor iz long way. U need Lembas.
Frodo: Can’t u see 200kg poultry item around my neck ?
Galadriel: oh
Frodo: Wheelbarrow wud b gud.

Later In The Dead Marshes Of Mordor
Frodo: Its so heavy.
Sam: The TURDUCKEN sir ?
Frodo: No, the blasted wheelbarrow. Don’t they come in Mithril ?
Galadriel (telepathically): Lose some kgs fat hobbit.

Saruman: I will luk in Palantir.
Gandalf: no dangerous
Saruman: aagh! disgusting slobber cows pigs reindeer
Gandalf: Hmmm the all-gorging stomach eats beefigison 2nite.

Fangorn Forest
Treebeard: bhold wite wzrd!!
All: aagh! eyes hurt wotizit ??
Gandlaf: Itiz I at the turning of the tide…wiv THIS!!
Merry: A Mithril wheelbarrow ?
Gimli: Typically useless, wizboy.
Galadriel (telepathically): ur mind feelz fat.

Faramir (suspicious): u hiding sumthin hobbit?
Frodo: who me nope
Faramir: wot abt colossal TURDUCKEN stufd inside ur tunic ?
Frodo: errrrmmm
Faramir: handls of ur wheelbarow poke out also
Frodo: dammit

Osgiliath (cont.)
Faramir: hmmm elvish but cast iron y not Mithril ?
All: aagg wotizit eyes hurt
Gandalf: Did sum1 say MITHRIL WHEELBARROW ?
Gollum: don’t u hav dimmer switch or sumthin ?
Gandalf: Here tak this also mithril trdkn holders v. handy stops mess and splatter in oven.

Minas Morgul
Orc: Sir a mound of hardware items smelling faintly of roasted duck moves incredibly slowly toward the Dark Tower.
Orc Captain: wot hardware ?
Orc: u no wheelbarrows, wizrd dimmers, rotisserie forks..
Captain: My brane hurts. Inform the Dark Stomach immedyutly and take this Vealigpus for its morning tea
Orc: Achtung! But y tell Dark Stomach ur brane hurts ?
Captain: sigh just go (takes Bex and lies down with cold compress)
Galadriel (telepathically): snigger

Barad-Dur The Dark Tower
Orc (bravely enters): Dark Stomach my brane hurtz.
Sauron: u interrupt my third pre-final top up morning tea appetizer snack for THAT ?
Pummels Orc to death with rock. Eats rock. Eats Vealigpus. Eats orc.
Sauron: might knock back a cow b4 I get hungry.

The Wooded Realm Reacts
Galadriel (breathlessly into the Mirror Of Galadriel: Elrond! The TURDUCKEN has been saved by a fortunate combo of stupidity and gluttonous anger. We must… wait… r u wearing shades and a Hawaian shirt ?
Elrond: yeah baby in2 the west and lukin HOT! (Busts a move)
Galadriel: b right there
Gandalf: Itiz I agen at the…huh thort meeting woz 2pm izzit Durin’s Day? Bugger.

Bag End Hobbiton: How It All Started
Gandalf: Now I will throw TURDUCKEN in ur fire and reveal big sekret.
Bilbo: u maniac itz alredy cookd.
Gandalf: ha ha just watch grasshopper
(Flames instantly sufocatd by huge meat product)
Bilbo: bak 2 the scrolls wizboy.

Bag End (cont)
Gandalf (amid incinerated ruins of Hobbiton): So bigger fire duznt work.
Stares forlornly at mute trdkn
Gandalf: Wossis? Sekret compartment!
Bilbo: takes u six hours 2 find stuffing hole ?
Gandalf (reading from extracted note): giant TURDUCKEN property of Sauron. Hmmm a clue but wozit mean ?

Please Contribute
Undoubtedly this satire will go viral and become world famous. Using the easily emulated style demonstrated above please contribute your part of Lord Of The TURDUCKEN..

Style Guide
1. TURDUCKEN is capitalised when addressed in the first person.
2. Each scene must fit into the size of a standard mobile phone text message.
2 (agen). Cheezburger, Molesworth, SMS syntax encouraged.
2a. Middle Earth ppl like to eat compound animal cuisine e.g TURDUCKEN, Vealigpus, Beefigson. See FAQ.
PS: More spoofs here
Extension Activities
Review of Molesworth in London Review Of Books
Here’s one fonder and slightly less august.


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