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Five Things To Know About Me

(Recent class assignment completed by one of my children)

1. I can read a whole 158 chapter book in one day.
2. I can eat three pieces of pepperoni without getting a hot mouth.
3. I have two half-pen half-torches
4. I usually like to run
5. I am a smart geek with an interest in making Lego creations.

Beat that!

…also somewhat in this genre …

I Feel Like Having You As A Pet

I Like To Know About A Story From You Your Heart Your Feeling Your Way Of Looking At It

Literary Genius

Open Hearts In Arnhem Land

The Truth About Bugs

T-Shirt Of The Week

Here’s a letter one of my daughters wrote to the other. All spelling is as per the original.

Dear XXX,

I feel like having you as a pet your a yuong ginny-pig your so cute as a kitten your a chatter box you Love me becaues your like a ginny-pig

Love from YYY

More free expression

I Like To Know About A Story From You Your Heart Your Feeling Your Way Of Looking At It

Literary Genius

Open Hearts In Arnhem Land

The Truth About Bugs

T-Shirt Of The Week

In the middle of a very dark forest there was a great big daddy bear and a middle sized mummy bear and a little baby bear who lived in a very pretty cottage. Their cottage was painted red and gold with a pink roof. As the snow fell and the wind blew a little girl called Goldilocks went along the track skipping happily. She was going to school but she took a shortcut which was unwise. She spied a little cottage and she thought to herself, ” I wonder who lives in there? I will knock on the door.

There in front of her was a smell a smell really yummy so she decided to have a taste but it was too hot. So she decided to eat the next bowl of porridge but it was too hot too. So she tried the little bowl of porridge and it was so yummy she ate it up! and then she said “what a delicious bowl of porridge and it is better than the others.”

Then she went up stairs and saw three chairs. She thought to herself, oh that looks so comfy. She sat on the big one first but it was too hight for her to reach. She sat on the middle sized one and it was too stuffy. Then she tried the little chair and she said what a delightful chair for little baby bear to do.She went up the stairs further. She saw three comfy, wonderful beds. She tried the big one first. Then she tried the middle sized one secondly. Then she snoozed in the baby bears one. She snoozed all day long until the bears came home.

When the three bear came home big grumpy daddy bear boomed “whose been sleeping in my beautiful ruined bed? Then mummy bear said “whose been sleeping in my ruined lovely bed and now I have to make it all once again. And baby bear squeaked whose been sleeping in my bed and look she’s still there. Then daddy bear said ” take that girl out of our house she is ruining everything we’ve done. They grabbed Goldilock out of little baby bear’s bed. Goldilocks twiggled and striggled, she screamed HELP, THESE BEARS WANT TO EAT ME. They put her down and then she rushed out of the room. And that was the end of Goldilocks. The end.

A TURDUCKEN, believe it or not, is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. Images – you are warned, not for the faint-hearted – are here.

With that introduction, the following TURDUCKEN-based Lord Of The Rings satire should be self-explanatory:

TURDUUUUUCKEN preciousss my precious gollumgollumgollum cast it into the Ovens Of Doom where it was created NO the all-gorging stomach will gorge it samwise I cannot eat any more..but Mr. Frodo you must!

Meanwhile in the Wooded Realm…
Frodo offers the TURDUCKEN to Galadriel…aagh shall Middle Earth see a morbidly obese elf queen horrible in severe majesty gasp gasp I pass the test I will go into the west and remain size 8

Galadriel: Mordor iz long way. U need Lembas.
Frodo: Can’t u see 200kg poultry item around my neck ?
Galadriel: oh
Frodo: Wheelbarrow wud b gud.

Later In The Dead Marshes Of Mordor
Frodo: Its so heavy.
Sam: The TURDUCKEN sir ?
Frodo: No, the blasted wheelbarrow. Don’t they come in Mithril ?
Galadriel (telepathically): Lose some kgs fat hobbit.

Saruman: I will luk in Palantir.
Gandalf: no dangerous
Saruman: aagh! disgusting slobber cows pigs reindeer
Gandalf: Hmmm the all-gorging stomach eats beefigison 2nite.

Fangorn Forest
Treebeard: bhold wite wzrd!!
All: aagh! eyes hurt wotizit ??
Gandlaf: Itiz I at the turning of the tide…wiv THIS!!
Merry: A Mithril wheelbarrow ?
Gimli: Typically useless, wizboy.
Galadriel (telepathically): ur mind feelz fat.

Faramir (suspicious): u hiding sumthin hobbit?
Frodo: who me nope
Faramir: wot abt colossal TURDUCKEN stufd inside ur tunic ?
Frodo: errrrmmm
Faramir: handls of ur wheelbarow poke out also
Frodo: dammit

Osgiliath (cont.)
Faramir: hmmm elvish but cast iron y not Mithril ?
All: aagg wotizit eyes hurt
Gandalf: Did sum1 say MITHRIL WHEELBARROW ?
Gollum: don’t u hav dimmer switch or sumthin ?
Gandalf: Here tak this also mithril trdkn holders v. handy stops mess and splatter in oven.

Minas Morgul
Orc: Sir a mound of hardware items smelling faintly of roasted duck moves incredibly slowly toward the Dark Tower.
Orc Captain: wot hardware ?
Orc: u no wheelbarrows, wizrd dimmers, rotisserie forks..
Captain: My brane hurts. Inform the Dark Stomach immedyutly and take this Vealigpus for its morning tea
Orc: Achtung! But y tell Dark Stomach ur brane hurts ?
Captain: sigh just go (takes Bex and lies down with cold compress)
Galadriel (telepathically): snigger

Barad-Dur The Dark Tower
Orc (bravely enters): Dark Stomach my brane hurtz.
Sauron: u interrupt my third pre-final top up morning tea appetizer snack for THAT ?
Pummels Orc to death with rock. Eats rock. Eats Vealigpus. Eats orc.
Sauron: might knock back a cow b4 I get hungry.

The Wooded Realm Reacts
Galadriel (breathlessly into the Mirror Of Galadriel: Elrond! The TURDUCKEN has been saved by a fortunate combo of stupidity and gluttonous anger. We must… wait… r u wearing shades and a Hawaian shirt ?
Elrond: yeah baby in2 the west and lukin HOT! (Busts a move)
Galadriel: b right there
Gandalf: Itiz I agen at the…huh thort meeting woz 2pm izzit Durin’s Day? Bugger.

Bag End Hobbiton: How It All Started
Gandalf: Now I will throw TURDUCKEN in ur fire and reveal big sekret.
Bilbo: u maniac itz alredy cookd.
Gandalf: ha ha just watch grasshopper
(Flames instantly sufocatd by huge meat product)
Bilbo: bak 2 the scrolls wizboy.

Bag End (cont)
Gandalf (amid incinerated ruins of Hobbiton): So bigger fire duznt work.
Stares forlornly at mute trdkn
Gandalf: Wossis? Sekret compartment!
Bilbo: takes u six hours 2 find stuffing hole ?
Gandalf (reading from extracted note): giant TURDUCKEN property of Sauron. Hmmm a clue but wozit mean ?

Please Contribute
Undoubtedly this satire will go viral and become world famous. Using the easily emulated style demonstrated above please contribute your part of Lord Of The TURDUCKEN..

Style Guide
1. TURDUCKEN is capitalised when addressed in the first person.
2. Each scene must fit into the size of a standard mobile phone text message.
2 (agen). Cheezburger, Molesworth, SMS syntax encouraged.
2a. Middle Earth ppl like to eat compound animal cuisine e.g TURDUCKEN, Vealigpus, Beefigson. See FAQ.
PS: More spoofs here
Extension Activities
Review of Molesworth in London Review Of Books
Here’s one fonder and slightly less august.

My son loves Cheetahs.

Perusing his latest acquisition, ‘Fastest And Slowest’, Camilla de la Bedoyere, ISBN 9781554078097, he was gratified to confirm his knowledge that the Cheetah with a top speed of 96 KPH is the world’s fastest land animal, contemptuous of the paltry cornering of the Tree Sloth (3 KPH)…but aghast that at a MASSIVE 109 KPH, the Giant Sailfish is in fact the animal kingdom’s overall speed champion.

This motivated him to formulate his first-ever prayer which went like this:

Dear God.
Can You please make the Cheetah go 109 which is faster than the Snailfish.
In Jesus’ Name

Anyone noticed any surprised Antelopes around the place going:
‘Strewth! Have they sped up or something??’

My son celebrated his 4th Birthday recently and his aunty gave him the collected stories of Winnie The Pooh by A. A. Milne. What a delight those stories are: whimsical, humorous, tender, with a keen eye of love for the emotions, thoughts and imaginitive life of Christopher Robin, A. A. Milne’s amaneusis and 5 year old son.

A. A. Milne And Me

As I read the adventures of Winnie The Pooh I immediately recognised them as Milne’s equivalents of the stories I tell my own son. In the same way my boy says, “Daddy, tell me a story about how Cheetah went to play at his friend’s house” and I say “Ah..yeah..sure…Lessee…One day Cheetah woke up and [spies stuffed Parrot] rang Parrot on his Mobile Phone and said [spies Lego action figure] Hawk-Man needs our help to find a big chocolate crocodile…[etc]“, I recognised Milne’s characters and plot as the spontaneous creation of a Father’s bed-time stories.

And I was delighted to find that, like the literary legend Milne, I injected my son as a character into my stories the same way he did.

All Dads Do It

Recognising the fraternity of Dads and Christopher Robins worldwide I don’t think Milne would be insulted to have my own family’s bedtime stories recounted next to his. So here goes:

Bob The Bandicoot’s Messing Up Machine

Bob The Bandicoot (this character’s species plagiarised from ‘The Magic Pudding’) lived in the sandhills not far from the Bunnies carrot patch. (The Bunnies in the sandhills are long-time bedtime story characters from a camping trip we did to Bulli Caravan Park where rabbits live in profusion).

Bob is an inventor and loves to make machines. One day, looking around at the mess in his shed he said “I know, I’ll build a tidying-up machine”. So he got a whole lot of metal, old engines, fish hooks, blades from an old fan and lots of string and built a tidying up machine. Then he put the batteries in and turned in on. ‘Hoot-Hoot!’ went the machine. (This Noise plagiarised from Professor Branestawm’s Automatic Bowling Machine)

‘Hello, tidying up machine’ said Bob. ‘Could you please tidy up all my nails ?”
“NO!” said the tidying up machine and he stomped his legs and took his remote control off Bob Bandicoot and put it in his pocket. Then he tipped out all the nails, pushed over the cupboars full of metal, took the milk out of the fridge and poured it on the ground and got the string and tied it all up into knots. Then he went stomping out of the shed and ran off into the sandhills.

‘Oh no’ said Bob Bandicoot, ‘The Messing Up Machine is headed for the bunnies burrow. I better tell Mr. Crocodile.’ So he rang up Mr. Crocodile straight away.

RING-RING went the phone in Mr. Crocodile’s house. ‘Who is it ?’ said Mr. Crocodile.
‘It’s me, Bob Bandicoot’, said Bob Bandicoot. My tidying up machine is all cranky and he messed up my shed and now he’s going over to the Bunnies’ carrot patch. Can you please help ?
‘Sure thing’ said Mr. Crocodile ‘I’ll be right over’ And he got straight in his bus and but some strong rope in it and went driving off to the Bunnies Burrow.

Just then the Bunnies were having breakfast.
“White Bunny, ” said Mummy Bunny, “can you please go up to our patch and bring back two nice carrots for our breakfast ?”
“Sure thing” said White Bunny and he went up the burrow to the surface but as he got near the top of his burrow he heard a terrible big noise outside. White Bunny carefully stuck up his whiskers and nose and had a peek. Oh No! The Messing-Up Machine was getting his hooks and pulling up all the Bunnies’ carrots and throwing them around and making a huge mess! White Bunny went straight back down his burrow. “Mummy, a big machine is hooking up all our carrots and throwing them around and making a big mess!” “Hmmm. I know ” said Mummy Bunny, “I will call Mr. Crocodile”

RING-RING went Mr. Crocodile’s phone again.
“Who is it ?”, said Mr. Crocodile.
“Its Mummy Bunny”, said Mummy Bunny “A nasty big Messing Up Machine is wrecking all our carrots and throwing them everywhere. Can you please come over and help ?”
“I’m already on my way” said Mr. Crocodile, “I’ll just be a few minutes”

“Brmmm-whz-bang-toot-toot-POP! (This noise plagiarized from Madness, 80’s Two-tone Ska band “I Go Driving In My Car”) went Mr. Crocodile’s bus as it came to a stop outside the Bunnies Burrow. “Hello there, Bunnies, I’m here. Can I come in ? Where’s the Messing Up Machine ?”
“Over there in our carrot patch” said White Bunny
Mr. Crocodile got out his binoculars and had a look. The Messing Up Machine was still throwing carrots everywhere and making a huge mess.

“Hmmm.” said Mr. Crocodile. “I Know what to do. Let’s build a big hole and make Messing Up Machine fall in.”
So the Bunnies began to did with their paws because they have big paws and are very good at digging burows and holes. And Mr. Crocodile began to dig too because he can dig holes in the muddy river bank, so he swished his big tail and helped the bunnies dig a big hole.

“Now let’s cover it with sticks and branches” said Mr. Crocodile “so the Messing Up Machine can’t see it”. So the bunnies and Mr. Crocodile got stcks and branches from the trees in the sandhills and covered up the hole.

When the hole was ready, Mr.Crocodile whistled to the Messing Up Machine. “Hey machine! Come over here. Here’s some crunchy carrots you missed”
The Messing Up Machine stopped throwing carrots and went stomping towards Mr. Crocodile. “Give me those crunchy carrots!” he said.
“No, said Mr. Crocodile, “you come and get them”
So the Messing Up Machine came stomping over but when he stepped on the sticks, what happened ? Yes, he fell in the big hole with a big CRASH!!

“Now” said Mr. Crocodile, “give me back your remote control”.
“NO!” said the Messing Up Machine. And he stomped and went HOOT-HOOT and smoke came out his ears.
“OK” said Mr. Crocodile “you stay in the hole then”

Messing Up Machien stayed in the hole a long time and then it began to rain and all the sand at the bottom of the hole turned into sticky mud.
“Aww.” said the Messing Up Machine “I don’t like this mud. I’ve been a naughty machine” and he called out for Mr. Crocodile “HOOT-HOOT. Mr Crocodile!”

“Yes ?” said Mr.Crocodile/
“I’ve been a naughty machine ” said the Tidying Up Machine “I want to be good now and be helpful. Can I come out the hole now ?” And he gave Mr. Crocodile back his remote control with one of his big hooks.
“Yes you can said Mr. Crocodile” and he got the strong rope and tied one end to his bus and the other end to the tidying-up machine. Then get started his bus “Brrm-BRRM-Whiz-Bang-Toot-Toot-POP!” went the big engine and then the bus pulled the Tidying-Up Machine out of the hole”.

“Sorry” said the Tidying-Up Machine and he went back to Bob Bandicoot’s shed and put all the nails back in their tray, wiped up all the Milk with with a superwipe, picked up the cupboards and used his hooks to get all the knots out of the string.

Then he sat down and had a nice drink of oil and petrol and two bananas and four pieces of toast and a chocolate biscuit for tea.

======== The End ============

Symbols And Their Meanings

The story is about obedience and discipline
Messing Up Machine: A toddler or small child.
Mr. Crocodile: Daddy

Others In The Series

How White Bunny Turned Green And Then Turned White Again.
Cheetah Goes On Holiday